My child understands my language but answers in English. What can I do?

You say something in your language. Your kid understands every word. And then the answer comes back in English.

It stings a little. I know.

But it's one of the most common things in bilingual families. And it's very fixable.

Why does my child answer in the other language?

Don't take it personally. Your kid isn't rejecting you or your culture. Three things are usually going on at the same time.

1. The other language is useful. At daycare, at the park, with friends, it gets them everything they want. The more they use it, the better they get. The better they get, the more they use it.
2. They want to fit in. If nobody else around them speaks your language, it can feel a bit odd for a while.
3. Understanding is easier than speaking. Talking takes more effort than listening. So when a kid is tired, they grab the easy one.

The good news is in point 3. Your language is usually stronger than it looks. A kid who understands you is a kid who still has it.

Does it mean my child is rejecting my language?

No. Read it as "my kid is tired" or "my kid took the easy road for a minute."

I've seen it at home, just not with French. In the car, I often speak English to my daughter Lia. It's our English spot. And there, she often answered me in French.

I never made it a big deal. I just kept going in English. Most of the time she noticed it was a bit weird, me talking in one language and her answering in another, and she switched on her own.

Sometimes I gave her a little nudge. A light "Answer me in English!" with a smile. That's it.

One honest thing: Lia never refused French itself. So what follows comes from that small experience, from research, and from other families. I'd rather tell you that than pretend.

What should I say when my child answers in English?

Answer what they said, not how they said it. In your language.

"I saw a perro at school!"

"Oh, you saw a chien at school? What color was the chien?"

No "wrong." No lesson. Just the right word, inside a normal answer. It's called recasting.

My rule is simple: the message comes first, the language comes second. If you cut a kid off to fix a word, the story they wanted to tell you is gone. What they remember is "every time I talk, I get corrected."

And if one day they say "I don't want to speak French"?

"That's okay. I'm still going to talk to you in French, because I love talking to you in French."

Then carry on as normal. No punishment, no speech.

How do I give my child a reason to speak my language?

Understanding a language and speaking it are two different skills. To speak, a kid needs a reason. Here are five that work.

1. People who only speak your language

For Lia, the strongest reason is my family in France. With them, it's French and nothing else. A weekly video call with a grandparent does more than any app.

Researchers who write for parents say the same thing. A child needs a real need to speak the language, with real people. Adam Beck makes this point in Maximize Your Child's Bilingual Ability, and King and Mackey in The Bilingual Edge.

2. An "island" for your language

A game, a recipe, a bedtime ritual. Something that only happens in your language. For Lia and me, it's cooking together and our board games.

3. Their obsessions

Dinosaurs? Football? A certain cartoon? Find it in your language. On most streaming services, you can switch a cartoon's audio in two clicks. When your kid is small, you choose the language of the screen. Use that window.

But a screen doesn't answer your kid or laugh at their jokes. It's a bonus. The talking is still yours.

4. You start every conversation

I always opened the conversation in French. So Lia answered in French. It sounds too simple. It matters a lot.

5. Enough time with the language

A common rule of thumb says a child needs to hear a language for roughly a quarter of their waking time to speak it comfortably. It's a rough guide, not a scientific threshold. With much less, many kids understand but don't speak.

So count one normal day. Breakfast, the car, dinner, the bedtime story. Then look for one easy moment to add.

What should I avoid?

• Don't punish, and don't bribe. Stickers work for a week, then fade. You want your kid to speak your language because it's theirs.
• Don't lecture. "It's good for your brain" means nothing to a small child. "So you can talk to Mamie" means everything.
• Don't make a show of it. No "Say something in French for Auntie!" A performance comes with pressure.
• Don't switch because they did. This is the big one. Parents don't lose the language in one day. They lose it slowly, by switching once, then twice, then always.

What if my child is already five or six?

It isn't too late.

I learned French at seven, from zero, in one summer. And I lost my Korean just as fast, because nobody around me spoke it. Researchers studied adults with my exact story, Korean children adopted by French families. They had become fluent in French and kept no conscious memory of Korean (Pallier and colleagues, 2003).

When I went back to Korean as an adult, I had nothing left. Your kid still understands. That's a huge head start.

So start today, without a big announcement. Switch back to your language, warmly. Expect some pushback. Give the language a reason. And be patient.

If people around you say two languages are the problem, they aren't. I wrote about that here: Will two languages delay my baby's speech?

When should I ask for help?

If your child isn't speaking much in any of their languages, see a specialist. Ideally one who will look at all of their languages together. Dropping your language is not the fix.

I'm a dad and a language teacher, not a speech therapist. This article is not medical advice.